Time.

Lord the more I try
I feel like I might die
This city living is gettin me down

When I look up at night
I need an open sky
This city living is gettin me down

Looking for a ol'dirt road
to carry me back to where I was made to grow
never was so hard to find as now
trying to see the stars at night
without the stain of a city light
This city living has got me down

Oh no I think I'm wastin
I want more than a town car paycheck
This city living is gettin me down

Everything around me falling
It aint a land or air thats calling
Or this city living thats a getting me down

A need a new skin to crawl in
need to get me a brand new heartbeat
Then city living wont get me down

Looking for a ol'dirt road
to carry me back to where I was made to grow
never was so hard to find as now
looking up at the stars at night
but I aint lookin to them for light
Now this city living aint a gettin me down

prayer for strength and peace.

I know that you are with me always but I really need you now. James says those that draw near to you, you in turn draw near to them. I've always thought that I needed to call out your name so you would come to me when your word clearly says I am to come to you. This is the inverse of the way I think, let it no longer be so. Allow me the grace that James wrote about just beforehand, that I might have the strength to pierce the veil that I seem to think is still there. You stand before me pointing to the rent curtain saying, "Come." In the same light of your words rushing upon my face I am also told "Go." You say "go but never leave." I am to go into the world around me doing the work that I must for a man will eat his bread from the sweat of his brow, yes we still are under the curse and man is still held accountable for holding the title of provider. Today I am teaching, not about you scriptures your holy words in pen, about bridges. I wish to do so not from the love of the material or a desire to be looked upon as knowledgeable but as son imitates his father I hope to imitate Christ, glorifying you God in all that I do. Even now as I sit waiting anxious I still pray. I whisper "strength" and "peace" and the familiar " be still" under my breath as I await the wave of anxiety to pass over me and leave me for now I am meeting open seas. A breath more till the waves crest. Today I go not on my own accord Father, you have lead me here.

But when I became a man I gave up childish ways.

Barely two days into this week and it has been a whirlwind. My students have been wild, undirectable and my softness of heart is starting to fade. The softness of heart is not my affection for the children but simply my gulible nature to believe in the innocence that I assume to each child. This innocence exists in small quantaties most of the students I interact with have most likely had similar exposure to the brokeness of this world as I. This fact alone is a source of my softness of heart but I am learning more and more that to communicate effectively you have to speak in a way that is understanable. Children in middle school are much more self concious than I could have ever imagined. I can barely even remember middle school with the exception of the books I read, games I played and teachers I had from that period of education.

After a moments more of thought I now remeber a moment in middle school that I will never forget, a moment that will forever stay with me. My mother is the youngest of three siblings born behind the eldest brothers and the middle sister, my aunt Suzanne. Aunt Suzanne has always been a determined person. First to act, first to vocalize she was always the one in our family that got things done. She has worked as a high school trigonometry teacher, auto saleswoman, and now is an assistant principle at a elementary school. Needless to say I respect her oppinion greatly. In middle school I wasen't the most appealing 13 year old there ever was, honestly I was a bit over weight and I needed braces desprately. It wasen't until my aunt caught wind of my self esteem issues that she sternly sat me down and told me that "when you walk don't look at the ground" which is what I commonly did to avoid eye contact with others, she said something to the effect of "when you can hold your head up and look another person in the eyes it instantly causes a mutual respect between you and them, you've got nothing to be ashamed of."

Now looking  at the children of today I see their total disrespect of elders and each other at least back in my time my teachers could put me in my place. I don't see what specifically has caused this laughable level of humiltiy on the childrens part but I do see its effect. Kids are questioning themselves at such an early age, deep hard questions about themselves. They find their answers in media and their friends there is little wisdom to be found in a 7th grader. I hope we can be there when they ask who they are and what they have to live for. Its a broken world out there and only Jesus is big enough to fix it.